


Death and beyond

by Sylira



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Astral Plane, Astral Projection, Black can't let go of her paladins, Character Death, Dark Shiro (Voltron), Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, What-If
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 05:00:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16847605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylira/pseuds/Sylira
Summary: He should have taken the damn knife. Should have get Black to crush the meeting.Shiro was so naïve – Keith was right.He would have needed that blade.But Shiro made him leave it.Shiro hated himself for that.What if - Keith dies? And the Black Lion took care of his soul, because it can't let go of its paladins?





	Death and beyond

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> This is very hefty mourning, I wrote from my own experiences  
> If you lost someone or this triggers you, please don't read.  
> Its all about death, losing someone

_Keith?!_

_Keith, can you hear me?!_

_Shit…please, Keith…open your eyes...!_

 

They did it. They saved earth from the Galra invasion. They overcame them, worked as a team and killed not only Sendak but the robeast Haggar sent to them.  
It didn’t mean peace for the universe, but a great success, nonetheless. Sendak was a tyrant and with him gone, they took a beating to the Galra Empire.  
However, they weren’t the only ones. With their last attempt to save earth, the paladins risked their own lives once more.

And almost lost it.

 

_Shit, Shiro – what happened?!?_

_S-so much blood…_

_Is he…?_

_WE NEED A MEDIC, NOW!_

Shiro didn’t know how long he sat at Keith bedside, watching the monitor, hoping he wakes up soon. He was the one getting him out of the Black Lion, bloody and unconscious. He carried him back to the Garrison and remained at his side while physicians took care of him. No matter how often they said he’d have to leave, he stayed. He couldn’t just leave him. Not with the fear of losing him forever.

Krolia showed up somewhen – when did she arrive? She was on a mission somewhere far out… - put a hand on Shiros shoulder and smiled sadly at him. Keith was still in coma, but alive. She gave Shiro a cup of coffee and only when he took it, did he realise how shaky he still was. He could barely hold on to it.

‘He’ll survive, he’s stubborn.’, she had said, sitting on the other side of the bed. Despite her calming words, she yet had to get rid of the worrying eyes of a mother.  
She was right, though. Keith lived.

Shiro wasn’t there when he woke up, but right after this (now in his eyes dumb, unnecessary and long) speech, he ran back to the infirmary. Only the moment he saw Keith alive and well with his own eyes would his heart calm down.

He confessed his feelings right then and there.

 

 _Keith – god please!_  
_You can’t do this to me!_  
 _Please, please, please stop bleeding already!_

_Shiro, he’s losing too much blood...!_

_I KNOW!_

 

Shiro remembered their first kiss like it was yesterday. Even though it was in the infirmary, right there on Keith hospital bed, it was the best kiss Shiro ever had. It wasn’t awkward nor weird. He sat on Keiths bed, relieved to see him awake and well and just kissed him. It felt natural.

‘I love you, Keith. Always have’, he had said.  
Keith had smiled, his gorgeous, perfect smile and confessed as well. Shiro had laid a hand on his cheek, softly stroking over the warm skin, before he had pulled closer and kissed Keith.  
It was perfect. All Shiro ever wanted and dreamt off. Better than that, really.

Now, that felt like a lifetime ago…

_Captain, please step aside and let us work!_

_No! Let me go! Keith!_

_We take care of him!_

_No…no, I can’t leave him, please!_

The victory on earth spread throughout the universe, as did the revival of Voltron and earth new defender the ATLAS. Soon, other species came. Matt arrived with the rebels – and a girlfriend. Kolivan stationed a new Blade base near the garrison together with Krolia.  
They all had a lot to do. With the previous Admiral gone, the garrison needed a new leader. Everybody voted for Shiro to do so. That was a great responsibility, but Shiro knew with his friends and allies by his side, he could make it. He took the rank with honour. Keith remained the rightful leader of Voltron, while still being engaged with the blades.

* * *

 

‘You’re leaving…?’

‘Kolivan needs someone at the Myria system. So, ya…’

‘Oh,…yeah. Okay’, Shiro hadn’t known how to react. Truth be told, he didn’t want Keith to leave. Especially not that far out. They just found some well earned peace. And they were finally together, not just physically. They obviously started dating which was long overdue according to the rest of the team. (Pidge apparently won a bet about who would kiss the other first.) And they were right. Shiro was longing so much after Keith and vice versa. They were happy. Shiro didn’t want to lose this. Didn’t want Keith to leave. Not alone into the deep void, with Haggar still out there.

‘You don’t want me to go’, Keith had known without Shiro saying anything.

‘No, it’s just…It’s dangerous. Haggar is still alive, I…’

‘She won’t fine me. You doubt my skills?’, he laughed.

‘No, I…’, Shiro was at lost of words. What should he say that made clear that he wanted Keith to stay without sounding like an overprotective and ordaining asshole?

‘Do you want me to stay?’, his voice was so sweet, calm and carrying.

‘I don’t want to keep you here if you want to leave. It’s your decision. Not mine to make.’

Keith had come up to him, had caressed his cheek, smiling knowingly. ‘I know you don’t want to act like Adam did back then. But this is not the same situation.’

‘…it is, really…’

‘No. It’s not. Listen to me, Shiro. This is not my dream at stake, nor my only chance to get out there and you don’t threaten me to leave me if I go. You’re just scared. Of course, you are.’

Shiro had bit his lip, then sighed deeply. Keith was right, he always was. But did that justify in keeping him here? Was Shiro selfish because he wanted his lover to stay with him? The Blades needed Keith. That was more important than Shiros wishes, wasn’t it…?

‘They need you. You should go.’

‘Kolivan can send someone else. I won’t go if you’re against it.’

‘…I really don’t want to be the reason you miss out on this. You always say you want to get out of here again.’

‘Ya, but with you. Not leaving you here. I’d go, because I want to help, I want to be productive and helping the Blades is indeed important.’ Keith looked up, his hands were on Shiros cheeks and he kissed the bridge of his nose. ‘But nothing ever is as important as you are. I want you happy. I want to be with you. I once put the mission first, now it’s your turn.’

Shiro had looked at him with sorrow, he painfully remembered the time Keith had left to go with the blades. It was good, important for both the Coalition as well as Keith growth. Shiro was so proud of him, so glad he found out about his heritage and being able to learn from the Blades.  
Now was something else. He desperately wanted him to stay.

His hands on Keith waist were trembling and while Shiro was still struggling to decide, Keith already made up his mind.

‘I’ll stay’, he had whispered, hugging Shiro close, who returned it, nestling his nose in Keith neck and trying to calm down. The relieve got the better of Shiro and small tears wet Keith skin while he mumbled a thank you.

War changes not only the environment. It changes persons. Shiro never would have stopped his boyfriend from doing something great, even if it would have been risky. But almost losing the love of your life, standing at the grave of your ex-fiancée, seeing people cry because they lost their family – it changes you, deep down to the core. Shiro still wanted Keith to explore space, to work with the Blades and do wonders. Just…not too risky things and not without him. It might be overreacting, but Shiro couldn’t change that at the time being.

If he would have known what happens on earth, he would have sent Keith away, as far as he could.

 

_He’s crashing!_

_Code blue!_

_Get a crash cart in here, immediately!_

_No…no…Keith! Baby! Stay with me!_

 

They got into some kind of daily routine. Shiro had to do many administrative things, while Keith worked with his team on helping freed planets they could reach with a wormhole or trained new cadets. It was exhausting every now and then, but a good life. Save – to some degree. Saver than before. They still had to figure out where Haggar was and what she had planned. But without any leads, they had nowhere to start. The Altean they rescued from the robeast still was in coma, they didn’t respond to any kind of medicine yet. So, they concentrated on reinforcing earth and building up the Coalition.

At the day which should change their fate and drive Shiro mad, there was a gathering of diplomats.

‘Urgs, do I _have_ to come along…?’, Keith had whined while getting into his new uniform.  
Shiro had changed already, the five golden stripes on his jacket still felt weirdly new, but he wore them with pride. He had asked why Keith didn’t get the black uniform, since he’s Voltrons leader and the black paladin now. Keith had refused however, saying black was Shiros colour and he’ll always be part of team Voltron. This made Shiros heart grow and flutter with affection. He never felt like he left the team but hearing this made him really feel like he’s still a part of it.

‘You’re the leader of the universes defender, people want to meet you’, Shiro had said, going up to him to fix his collar. ‘You look beautiful. Red suits you.’

‘Don’t try to lull me into this, Takashi’, Keith had said, whereat Shiro chuckled slightly. He never named him by his first name other then when he was mad or… during intimate sessions. That he used it now was an overreaction and Keith knew that, which made it funny to Shiro in turn. ‘No one is interested in me.’

‘I am. I always am. I love having you around, listening to your voice…’, Shiro said, starting to kiss Keith cheek, down to his neck. Like an impulse, Keith hands cradles into Shiros hair.

‘I’m serious…’

‘Me too~’

‘Shiro…’, Keith pushed him slightly of him and made a face. ‘I could use the time to spar with the cadets, or…’

Shiro looked into the dark purple eyes. ‘You really don’t want to go, do you.’

Keith saw apologetic at him, but shook his head no.

Shiro sighed. ‘I don’t want to force you, but I’d appreciate it. You know, I’m not having lots of fun there myself. It would be nicer with you around.’

‘…’

‘I’ll make up for it~’, he whispered, while nipping on Keith earlobe.

‘Mh… like what?’, Keith voice already showed his interests and the upcoming arousal.

‘Oh, there are a lot of things I’d like to do with you~’

Keith grinned, leaning his head to one side to give Shiro more space on his neck. Shiro had a hard time not to leave a hickey there. He wasn’t fond of showing affection this way to the world, but he loved the feeling of Keith soft skin on his lips. Also, it was tempting to mark him as his before they go to this meeting. Keith might not realise, but there were a lot of eyes on him constantly. They weren’t to blame – Keith was extremely good looking and the leader of Voltron. Shiro was never actually jealous though. He knew, the black haired was devoted to him.

Shiro stopped, earning him a grumble from his lover. ‘You get all this if you come with me~’

‘...and a pizza.’

This was so sudden, Shiro just started laughing out loud. ‘Yes – and a pizza’, he agreed, before he kissed the love of his life.

 

_He’s not responding to it!_

_Keith…Keith…please…god please…You can’t…  
I love you, babe – please, don’t leave me…_

Before they left, Keith put his blade into its holder on the back of his belt. Shiro looked at it with mixed feelings.

‘What?’, Keith had asked, then he shook his head. ‘Uh-uh, I won’t leave without it.’

‘…it’s supposed to be a formal, peaceful meeting…’, Shiro had said carefully calm.

‘Great, then I won’t need to use it.’

‘Keith…’

‘No, Shiro. I agreed in coming with you. I’m not going without my knife’, there was a finality in his voice that Shiro hated to hear. He didn’t want to argue, it was the least he wanted. He still couldn’t just let it go, though.

‘…there are no weapons allowed. We made this rule, we can’t break it. Especially not the leader of Voltron.’

‘Bullshit! If I would want to hurt someone, Black would crash the party without me leaving my seat.’

‘I know, Keith, I know. And I know you wouldn’t do anything besides self-defence and how important this knife is to you. It’s comforting for you. And I get that. I’m always glad when I know you’re not unarmed.’

‘But you still want me to leave it here’, Keith voice had this deep undertone, the one when his anger was about to make its way up.

Shiro had to choose his words careful. He wished this rule wouldn’t exist and that he could just allow Keith in keeping his knife with him. But he couldn’t. He hoped that his expression showed his inner struggle. Still, Keith looked nowhere near content with this.

He shook his head, turning around. ‘No.’

Shiro slowly approached him, wrapping his arms from behind around Keith waist. ‘I love you, Keith. With everything, with your knife, with your defensive nature, with the passion that drives everything you do. If I could, I’d change this damn rule. But it’s for the safety of all. For the people without knifes, who can’t protect themselves like you can.’

Keith stayed silent. His body was tense even with Shiros closeness and he was sure to have lost the fight. ‘Do it for me, please.’

But then Keith sighed. ‘Fine. It’s dumb and you know it. I hate it.’

‘Thank you, Keith’, Shiro had smiled and kissed his neck once more.

He should have taken the damn knife. Should have get Black to crush the meeting.  
Shiro was so naïve – Keith was right.  
He would have needed that blade.  
But Shiro made him leave it.

Shiro hated himself for that.

 

_We’re losing him!_

_No…no no no no, Keith! PLEASE!_

‘Hey, Keith?’, he had called out for him, right when Keith was about to leave. There was something on his mind, something he wanted to say for such a long time now, but never got the guts to do so.

‘What now?’, Keith turned, he was still slightly mad because he couldn’t take the knife.

‘I…um…’

‘What is it?’

The silk casket in his pocket suddenly felt way to heavy. He dragged it along for some time now, never finding the right opportunity to ask Keith. But now he had the nagging feeling that he should ask. Was it the right time? There was no good mood, nor romance in the air. Quite the contrary actually, with their almost argue still hanging between them.  
Still…he should ask. Now or never (- right?).

Someone knocked on their door, telling them they had to leave now.

Shiro didn’t ask.

He would ask later, under the starry sky. That would be the right moment.

He never did. Never will.

 

 _Baby, please, don’t leave me…_  
_Don’t do this to me…_  
 _Keith…!_

‘-iro? Shiro, hey…wake up’

_Keith…?_

 ‘…Shiro, we really have to-’

_Matt_

‘Leave me.’

‘Shiro, you-‘

‘LEAVE!’

Silence. Footsteps, a door closing, then he was alone again.

Alone. Completely alone.

Expect, he wasn’t. The room wasn’t empty.  
There was a body lying on the bed next to him.  
A blanket over its head.  
Lifeless.  
Dead.  
Keith body.

Shiros eyes slowly ran over it. He recognised every part, even under that hospital blanket. Every curve, every scar on that skin. He knew it, better than is own body.  
When he reached the head, he closed his eyes. He didn’t cry. He couldn’t anymore. But seeing Keith like this, even without seeing his face – it was too much.  
And still, he sat here. For hours. Not letting anyone else in. Not letting them take him away.

He couldn’t leave him. Nor could he let Keith leave.

But he left already. He was gone. For ever.  
Shiro would never hear him again, never feel his warm hand on his cheek, hear his little, angry huffs, his laughter. Never see his purple eyes lighten up because he approached him.

It was all gone.  
The silk casket burned itself into his skin through the pocket. He ignored it the best he could. He felt numb already. Numb from all the pain he had gone through.

A pain that would never cease.

He was trapped in his own hell. Just when he thought life was looking up, when he found real happiness, a place in the world – it was taking from him.  
At one moment they were gossiping how boring this meeting was, the next he holds Keith in his arms, bloody, not responding.

Shiro could already feel how his memories start to fade. He would never ever forget anything about Keith, but with time, things change in your head. Somewhen, you won’t be hundred percent sure anymore how exactly someone looked or sounded.  
It was already crumbling away. He replayed memories in his head, over and over again. Dialogues, mornings spend together, laughter, everything he could gather. He went through it over and over and over as if he could grasp Keith from there and bring him back. If he would just…think hard enough, believe hard enough.

But he won’t come back.  
Never again.

Without thinking, Shiro stood up, took the end of the blanket and slowly pulled it back. A suffocated sound left his throat at the sight. Sometimes his mind would trick him, that this wasn’t Keith. This wasn’t the love of his life, dead on this bed. When he looked at this face, cold and grey, it didn’t feel like Keith was sleeping. It felt wrong. As if this was a figurine, a morbid joke. This couldn’t be the reality. He would wake up tomorrow next to Keith. Would warp his arms around his warm body, nestling his nose on his neck, breathing his scent and smiling. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Not this. Anything but this.

His hand reached out to stroke his cheek. Soft, as always. But cold. So cold. Shiro leant forward. ‘I love you’, he whispered before barely touching Keith lips. No responds. Just the omnipresent cold touch. Shiro closed his eyes and gulped hard. With a shaky breath, he sat down again. His hand picked on his own lips, where he still felt this wrong, cold sensation, while continuing to look at Keith face.

Maybe he would just start breathing again. Maybe Galra go into some sort of regeneration deep sleep, where the body turns off everything, to repair. He couldn’t just be gone.

It wasn’t right.

It wasn’t fair.

* * *

 

Hours went by. Shiro didn’t know how long he sat here and frankly didn’t care. He didn’t even realise how dark it got. Only when the door opened again, and the light shone through from the hallway was he aware.

‘Leave’, it was what he said to everybody, no matter who or what they wanted.

Krolia ignored him, she passed him, took the other chair on the other side of the bed and just sat there. She was here before already. Even in his suffering, he knew he couldn’t dismiss her. She had the same right to sit here as he did. And she didn’t talk, didn’t pressure him to do something. Otherwise, he might’ve tried to get her out.

She didn’t cry also. Everybody was always crying. Loud and annoying. Shiro hated it. It made his skin crawl. He cried himself. Cried till his throat was dry and no tears would fall anymore. But he couldn’t stand hearing the others cry. Maybe because it made it more real. Suffering himself was one thing, seeing the others suffer as well was different.

Krolia was calm. He knew she was just as broken as he was himself, but she didn’t show. Her body was tense, though. 

* * *

 

More time past and Shiro heard the faint crack of the door opening. Krolia looked to whoever dared to and nodded.

‘Shiro’, she began but he already knew what she wanted to say and shook his head no.

‘This is not your call. It’s been days’, with that, she stood, went up to Keith, whispered something to his face, kissed his cheek and put the blanket over him again.

‘No’, Shiros voice was sore and not more than a whisper.

‘Let him go. Let him have his peace.’

‘No’, he got louder, but it still wasn’t more than a silent hum. He knew she was right. He knew he couldn’t just sit here till eternity with Keith dead body beside him. That didn’t mean he could let go already.

When the others came, people Shiro didn’t know, medical staff, people in suits to take Keith, Shiro stood, but was stopped by the Galran mother. ‘Let him leave’, she said with a sharp voice right next to Shiros head.

‘I SAID NO!’, he screamed, reeling around, pressing Krolia against the wall with his Altean prosthetic.

His angry eyes met calm, but broken ones. Her hands were on Shiros arm, protecting herself from too much pressure. She wasn’t afraid of him, her eyes showed that, but she was cautious.

 _‘He’s not leaving’_ , Shiro didn’t recognise his own voice. It was dark, threatening. He never heard himself like this. Without him realising, he pushed his arm more against Krolias throat.

It was enough to let her snap as well. She hissed angrily at him, baring her teeth. ‘YOU THINK THIS IS EASY FOR ME?! LET HIM GO, SHIROGANE! YOU DIDN’T PROTECT HIM, NOW STOPP ACTING LIKE YOU CAN. HE’S _DEAD_.’ She broke his hold, slipped passed him and pressed him down herself. ‘Stop this bullshit already!’

Shiro had stopped resisting. Her voice rang through his head.

_You didn’t protect him!_

He didn’t. He let him die.

For a second, he just sat there, even after she let go of him. But the moment he heard the staff transporting Keith, he looked up, already half on his feet again.

‘Keith…’, pleading, he reached out to him. There was someone behind him. A firm hand grapping his shoulder. Right, Krolia was still here. She kneeled down with him, hugging him, burying her face at his neck. ‘Please…’ Tears ran down his face again, but he didn’t move. Krolia levelled him, and he didn’t resist this time.

How did it end like this…?

 

 

_Noises. So many noises._

_They were at this dumb gathering Shiro wanted him so badly to come. It was boring, and he lost count on how many new people (and new species) he met. Shiro was right with one thing: many, too many, people wanted to meet the leader of Voltron. Keith hated it. He stayed as close to Shiro as he could, who in turn always made sure to tag him along. Keith was grateful for that. Shiro knew how much he disliked this type of encounters._

_There was a fancy banquet, with the weirdest food Keith had seen yet. There was earthen food as well, but he didn’t eat much. He just wanted to leave. Urgs!_

_After diner, the whole meeting people thing started all over again. There were speeches, Shiro hold one as well, but other than that just a lot of hands shaking or bowing or whatever was the gesture of the species they met._

_Then everything changed._

_He saw the weapon. Something similar to his Blade. It was small first, then it suddenly was a sword. He could push Shiro out of the way but without anything to protect himself in armour nor weapon, he got himself wounded._

_It was chaos from then. He didn’t witness much from it though. He was suddenly on the floor, something warm and wet was al over him. He heard Shiro, but he sounded so far away. He saw his face, worried, big eyes hovering over him. But his voice…why was it so far away…?_

_'Shit, Shiro – what happened?!?'_

_'S-so much blood…'_

_'Is he…?'_

_His team. The other paladins were here. He heard them, but his eyes were closed already. He couldn’t open them, no matter how often Shiro plead him to do so. He was so tired. And cold._

_He was in pain, as well. Much, the greatest pain he ever had. But it was so much, that it already numbed him. It began to fade_

_Again, so many voices, so much noise._

_Shiro called out for him again and again and he tried to reach him, tried to calm him, but he went unheard._

_‘I love you, baby! Please don’t leave me!’_

_Leaving? No, he wasn’t leaving. He would never leave Shiro._

_Then, everything went silent._

_‘Huh?’_

_Where was he?_

_He felt a familiar presence and mistook it for Shiro first._

_It was the Black Lion._

_Keith turned, with no body to move. Looked, with no eyes to see._

_He knew this place. This feeling._

_This was the astral plane. The consciousness of the Black Lion._

_He felt a hum like a confirmation, mixed with a sad feeling flushing through him._

_Almost like an apology._

_He was in Blacks consciousness._

_He died._

**Author's Note:**

> This idea is from zuspacey (https://twitter.com/zuspacey) and Kroligane! Who were nice enough to let me forster this idea ~ thanks for that!  
> Here's the threat
> 
> https://twitter.com/zuspacey/status/1038828387874222081


End file.
